Your First Time
Two words come to mind when you remember the red wool blanket your parents kept in the back of the Chevy suburban: Jenny Luciado. Her Calvin Klein perfume mixed with the musty smell of old wool. Her long dark hair getting caught on the piling. Both of you getting shocked from the static buildup. If you want a memento from that night, the Topo Designs Camp Blanket ($130) will make it feel like it was just yesterday. Made in the USA with 100% wool, the Camp Blanket measures 65”x90”. More than large enough to reenact that night. This time you won’t have to worry about getting interrupted by your dad with a 40-watt flashlight.
This Model Is Bespoken
While you need another sports car about as much as the Kardashian sisters need another reality show, you probably won’t be able to pass this one up. The 2012 Faralli & Mazzanti Evantra features a sleek design and impressive specs that are made to order. Since the Italian automakers are only producing five models, they’re letting you choose between a naturally aspirated, or twin-turbo 3.5 liter flat six engine for either 400 or 600 hp, respectively. You can also select either a composite or all aluminum body. The latter is handcrafted, which allows for custom personalization by yours truly. Both can go from 0 to 62 mph in just 3.7 seconds, which is about as long as we can stand to watch any Kardashian.
Sometimes there’s nothing more effective then a well-timed, backhanded compliment. Something like, “Wow! Your hair cut makes your face look SO much less fat!” Or, “I’m so happy you finally found someone as unsuccessful as you.” But other times, it pays to be a little more subtle. Next time you’re invited to a dinner party by one of the many business associates riding your coattails, bring along a bottle of Seven Deadly Sins Wine ($16.00) to do the dirty work for you. The elegant series, designed by Spanish agency Sidecar, features each of the seven deadly sins interpreted with stunning colors and typography. The shiny gold bottle inspires envy and the red, lingerie laced bottled is as lusty as it gets. Each label in the collection features a deadly sin. Your challenge will be gifting just one.
You’s A Fine MothaF%^#$*
Sometimes nothing sums up how you feel better then some good old-fashioned gangster rap. Now you can memorialize your emotions with Gangsta Greeting Cards ($5.00). No one can deny the modern poets of our time have a way with words. Even if your girlfriend wasn’t originally a fan of your kind request to “back that ass up,” she’s guaranteed to have a change of heart when she sees it written in beautiful calligraphy. Other favorites include “Damn You’s A Sexy Bitch” and “Baby You My Everythang.” The prolific pros don’t stop with there. Instead of texting your bro on his birthday or inviting him out for drinks you can hand deliver a card with the likes of, “Go Shorty It’s Your Birthday” or “Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots!” That’s some classy shit, y’all.
Rumor has it that your dad’s uncle’s cousin’s sister is related to Christopher Walken, which might explain your pale complexion, nervous disposition and unparalleled, smooth dance moves. If there’s a chance you’ll run into him at the family reunion this summer, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with his movies. We have to say some of his best work was done in the 1990 film King of New York ($9.00). The classic, yet tragically underrated film features Walken as a ruthless mob kingpin. After being released from prison, he sets up shop in the Plaza Hotel and tries to retake the streets. The wall-to-wall violence, double crossing, and epic quotes make this a must see, and definitely own. When you’re noshing on your aunt Lucy’s potato salad you can ask him what it was like to work with co-stars Wesley Snipes, Larry Fishburne, David Caruso. But whatever you do, don’t bring up the movie “Click”.