By Snow Or By Sand
Your time in Pakistan is classified, but your commemorative T-shirt with ‘Seal Team 6’ emblazoned on the back sort of gives you away. For the sake of this post, let’s pretend you were there and gained a specific appreciation for getting in and out in a hurry. That being said, the DTV Shredder ATV ($2,600) would come in handy for your next operation. A cross between a Jet Ski, skateboard, and personal battle tank, the off-road vehicle has an 18hp/200 cc engine that can take slopes as steep as 40 degrees and perform on any terrain including snow, ice, sand, marsh and mud. It can haul up to 1,200 lbs of cargo and the handlebars fold down so that it can be remote-controlled like a drone. Not that you would need a drone in your regular Joe Shmoe civilian life. Wink,wink.
The Disappearing/Reappearing Hero
Harry Houdini was a death-defying, mesmerizing escapist, magician, and stunt performer, who was far ahead of his time. He took the recreational use of handcuffs to a whole new level, and we respect that. In the early 1900‘s, he earned his nickname “The Handcuff King” (sorry, he grabbed that moniker before you) by traveling all over Europe and Russia, challenging local police to cuff him and lock him up in their jails, then busting loose and baffling the balls off of everyone. His 1912 Chinese Water Torture Cell was a great sensation. Houdini was lowered upside down into tank filled with water, with his feet locked into a box above, all inside a metal cage. He got out. And lest we not forget the time Houdini was strapped into a straitjacket, then suspended by his ankles from a crane or tall building. Or that time he escaped from being buried alive. So how did he do it? Well, it was never entirely clear. Most people assume that he would swallow whatever key he needed to free himself, then regurgitate it on command. Controlled breathing also came in handy in many of his escapes that involved water or dirt, as in Buried Alive, as Houdini could hold his breath for up to three minutes.
Houdini himself actually revealed some of his own tricks to the magic brotherhood, explaining how many locks and handcuffs can be opened with correctly applied force, or a shoestring (take that, MacGuyver). Straitjackets? Piece of cake–just enlarge your shoulders and chest as you’re being strapped in, then dislocate your shoulders to wiggle your way out. Whether Houdini really uses “magic” or not, a few things are clear: the man has no fear. He was also a great showman, and a sharp businessman, with marketing instinct beyond his years. Houdini baffles and delights us to this day, and for that, we take our shackles off for you, dear sir. If we can get them off…
High Society Hookah
Reclining on your Chesterfield 1780 William Blake Leather Couch, you can’t bring yourself to smoke a run-of-the-mill pipe. No, your bong needs to rise to the fancy occasion that befits the rest of your furniture and accessories. Thank God the maker of your favorite luxury sports car has the same idea. The Porsche Design Shisha combined aluminum, stainless steel, glass and TecFlex to create a sleek classy design that won’t look out of place in your lounge. The 22” tall pipe is now available exclusively at the Porsche Design shop in the Millionaires Gallery at Harrods Knightsbridge store in London. How smashingly appropriate.
While you may never speak about the fight club (Rule #1) you organized in your parent’s basement in high school, you still have the scars to remember it by. Now you can get Fight Club Soap ($15.00) to commemorate the raw rage and unbridled testosterone of your youth. Luckily or disappointingly, this version was not made using liposuctioned fat from rich women. It does included electrolytes, caffeine and “punching” though. And if that weren’t enough movie magic for you in one bar of soap, it’s also scented with Anchorman’s Sex Panther cologne, which, as everyone knows, works 60 percent of the time… every time.
Hands Free Never Felt So Good.
A man who’s as good as you are with his hands should always keep them available to caress a cheek or carry a leggy blonde to safety (i.e your fainting translator in Barcelona). Strap the I’M Watch to your wrist and you’ll have access to music, Facebook, Twitter, news, your address book and weather– all hands free. The 64 MB RAM and 4GB storage smartwatch connects to your phone via Bluetooth and allows you to text, email, and activate the speakerphone all from your wrist. It comes in a range of cool colors and price points. We suggest the “I’M Jewel” in white gold with encrusted diamonds because it will give the ladies something shiny to look at when you’re sweeping them off their feet.