The Taste of Angina
What’s spreadable, vegetarian and tastes like a heart attack? If you guessed Baconnaise ($12.00), ding, ding, ding! You’re right! From J&D’s, whose company mantra is “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon,” comes the Ultimate Bacon-Flavored Spread, just waiting to grace your next sandwich, salad, dip, burger or fries with the glorious flavor of bacon. Pick up a 3-pack of this miraculously kosher (and afore-mentioned vegetarian!) condiment, and tell your Miracle Whip to hit the road. This is what God (and two guys named Justin and Dave) intended mayo to taste like.
Hey Sea Turtle! Say “Cheeeeeeese!”
Sometimes, your underwater stories are so fantastical, you have a hard time convincing people that they’re true (you, the manta rays, a jar of Skippy peanut butter—’nuff said). Well, now you can capture every second of your watery escapades with the Liquid Image Wide Angle HD Dive Mask ($311). It’s an integrated mask/camera that records HD 720P videos at 30fps, as well as 5 Megapixel still images. Plus, you can take it deep. How deep? Up to 40m or 130 feet, which covers depths reached by certified divers. Lever style buttons make it easy to operate, even while wearing diving gloves, and its super wide angle captures a larger field of view, ensuring that your subject will be captured in the shot. So grab your gear, some extra memory and a jar of Super Chunk—it’s time to make some underwater movie magic.
Calling Dick Tracy
“Calling Dick Tracy!” And in this case, you’re the Dick. Figuratively speaking, of course. The Philips Fluid Smartphone, simply at concept phase right now, is a flexible OLED screen smartphone that wraps around your wrist to double as a bracelet—just like our old friend Dick Tracey used to have. Enjoy the convenience of always having your phone with you on the go while simultaneously making a techy fashion statement. Designed by Dinard da Mata from Brazil, who may or may not read too many comic books. Nothing you can relate to, we’re sure.
A Book Book That Deserves A Second Look
Between the beard, pipe, and leather elbow patches (blazer optional), if there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s look scholarly. Now there’s finally a laptop case to fit your M.O. The BookBook ($80.00)by Twelve South is a hardback leather case designed exclusively for the MacBook Pro, that to the untrained eye, looks just like one of the vintage books lining the bountiful shelves of your study. Soft, velvety and padded on the inside, with two rigid, leather hardback covers on the outside, just grab your MacBook, slip it in, zip it up, and the BookBook will protect it like no other. Each BookBook is hand-crafted and distressed, so rest assured that each one is an original—just like you and your beautiful mind.
The “D’Oh!” In Fido
Fido has been man’s best friend for centuries, but that may not be the case for much longer, once he gets a load of these. Awkward Family Pet Photos ($12.00) (from the authors of bestselling “Awkward Family Photos”) reveal what can only be described as mild, yet massively entertaining, animal abuse, involving family dogs, cats, monkeys, parakeets, pigs, and horses forced to star in painfully embarrassing, deliciously awkward family portraits. In other words, hardcore proof that dragging the rest of your family down with your lack of taste or dignity is just the Human way. And your dog thought the leash was degrading.
Bass In Ya Face
For years, you (and various lady visitors) have enjoyed the velvety voice of Mister Barry White, the ultimate aphrodisiac. But to fully enjoy the depth of his power, you’ve got to have the right equipment. Sound equipment, that is. The Bayan 7 Apple iPod x iPhone Speaker Dock ($392) should do the trick. Never one to mess around with the bass, it comes equipped with a powerful 8″ bass in the center paired with 2″ mid-range drivers and 1″ wide projection tweeters. The Bayan 7 comes in your choice of either clear white or clear black. Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, indeed.
A Personal Servant That Runs On Batteries
Your trusty butler Marvin is a real stand up guy. But lately, you’ve been noticing some of his shortcomings. He doesn’t play music. He doesn’t run by remote control. Nor does he have an internal digital clock. Before you sigh that it’s so hard to find good help these days, allow us to introduce you to your new employee–The Omnibot. The ‘bot does all of the above, in addition to carrying a tray in its claw, which can be loaded up with whatever it is your heart desires–Reese’s Pieces, a can of Tab, a fresh set of batteries to keep your new friend nice and perky. A built-in cassette player not only plays music, but can record and play back a sequence of commands, in addition to regular audio recording, and Omnibot’s remote control can broadcast speech from its handset through a speaker on the robot. As in, “Marvin, you’re fired.” The future of modern day help is finally here.
Lord, Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz?
What do other cars dream about when they’re not dreaming about starring in an 80’s video with a writhing Tawny Kitaen? The USD Mercedes SLR Concept Car. The artists and engineers at Ugur Sahin Design (hence the “USD”), based this beautiful ride on the existing framework of the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, and endeavored to combine the extraordinary design of the original Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing with the modern technical aspects of the SLR McLaren Chassis structure. The result is this stunning specimen that’s so beautiful, we’re not even sure Tawny would get on the hood for fear of being upstaged. Oh, Tawny, you’re still hot in our books. But maybe just stand over there, though. Thanks.
More Than Meets The Eye
If you’re like us, you’re always looking for new ways to antagonize the Decepticons. Fresh from the musical markets of the planet Cybertron comes the amazing Autobot Transformer Ukulele ($550). It transforms you from a mild-mannered ukulele player to an awesome living tribute to the greatest shape-changing robots of all time. Rumor has it, Optimus Prime has three in his living room. Fret board, bridge and tailpiece are ipe (it’s a wood) and the neck and body are maple. Play this bad boy at your own risk of retribution from Megatron. Even though we’re pretty sure you could take him.
Two Turntables And A Microphone
DJ Paulie D may have the reality show “cred” but he’s got nothing on your skills. Shouldn’t you have a DJ station as sick as your last set? The Hoerboard Scomber Mix ($1800) is a 2-unit DJ booth designed to make all your turntables, CD-players and mixers fit perfectly into one incredibly sexy looking workstation. The top deck is made from CNC-designed MDF material and is fixed to a laser-cut powder-coated steel support, both available in several glossy or matte colors. All power cables are invisibly integrated into the body and all connections are placed underneath the desk, for easy connection to local audio systems. Let’s get this party started, minus the 43 gallons of hair gel and oompa loompa-like skin.
The Last Movie Collection You’ll Ever Need
As your vast collection of colognes, body mists, and eau de toilettes illustrates quite nicely, you never know what you’ll be in the mood for on any given day. Turns out, same goes for movies. Luckily, The Twentieth Century Fox 75th Anniversary Gift Set ($350) has you covered. Looking for a little snuggle time? Grab your favorite lady and throw in Alien or The Omen. She’ll cling to you for dear life. Need a good chuckle? You’ve got There’s Something About Mary, Raising Arizona, or Rocky Horror Picture Show. In the mood to triumph over evil yet again? How about The French Connection, Star Wars or The Devil Wears Prada? This 75-film, three-volume set is chock-full of Academy Award® winners and box office hits. Each volume covers 25 years of the studio’s excellence in movie making complete with a hard cover book filled with fascinating details about creating films with some of the greatest movie stars and directors of all time. Just fire up your EasyPop Plus Flavored Popcorn Maker and you’re good to go.
Beer For Cataracts<
Hemp, or as we call it, (eh-hem) cannabis (eh-hem) sativa can be used to make damn near anything—clothing, mulch, jewelry, tea, paper, and of course, happy people. Now finally, it’s making beer. The geniuses and brewmasters at Nectar Ales and Humboldt Brewing Company have happily collaborated to create Hemp Ale. ($10.00) This one-of-a-kind brew is extremely bold and complex, with a unique herb-accented flavor, thanks to the inclusion of hemp seeds in the brewing process. Beer and cannabis sativa are together at last, in what college kids have known for years is the perfect marriage. Sadly, for now, this magical elixir is only available in California. But you’ve been meaning to get out there on business anyway, right?
Don’t Mind If I Du-cati
Hardworking, sexy and friendly at the same time? Is this a parallel universe or did the makers of the 2012 Ducati Streetfighter 848 Motorcycle ($12,995) make a ride based on you? This sexy set of wheels does it all without psychotic amounts of needless muscle. It’s as ready for the long road of earthly exploration as it is for the easy streets of daily living. The foundation of this new Streetfighter is the liquid-cooled 849.4cc L-Twin; 8 val. DOHC engine and the Ducati Traction Control system, offering eight levels of adjustment so it can handle anything. It comes with 69 lb-ft @ 9,500 rpm of torque and 132 hp @ 10,000 rpm—more than enough to get the job done. This is a feat of Italian engineering. Just like you, assuming your parents are Italian.
The Escort That Offers Protection
When adventuring across the globe (perhaps in your new Earth Roamer), it helps to know exactly what lies ahead. Enter the incredibly intelligent and award winning ESCORT Live . It’s like Facebook and Twitter for the road, where drivers share live alerts so everyone in the network can drive smarter and avoid the party-pooping fuzz. ESCORT Live uses Bluetooth technology and an app on the driver’s smart phone. When alerts are detected, they are transmitted to the ESCORT Live “cloud” and broadcasted across the ESCORT Live network to notify drivers of potential ticket threats. The system also provides ESCORT’s industry-leading Defender ® database of fixed position cameras and speed traps. A modern-day version of the CB radio speed trap alerts (and foul truck driver lingo) of yesteryear, ESCORT Live ensures that you’ll travel without protection again.
Lotus: A New Position
Once again, James Bond is sitting around wishing he were you. As is Edward Lewis (Richard Gere’s character from “Pretty Woman”—we’ll pretend you didn’t know that already). Pray tell, what do these manly specimens have in common? The Lotus Esprit. As part of Lotus’ unveiling at the Paris Motor Show, the automaker’s 2013 Lotus Esprit brings back what they have coined as the “ultimate supercar.” This baby features a mid-mounted 611bhp 5.0-litre V8, and a top speed of 330 km/h with an acceleration of 0-100 km/h 3.4 seconds. It also just happens to be jaw-droppingly beautiful. Set to go on sale in the Spring of 2013, the Esprit promises to be an incredible high-performance sports car. Celebrate with a vodka martini, (shaken not stirred) or by soliciting Julia Roberts for sex on Hollywood Boulevard. Your call.