Between the beard, pipe, and leather elbow patches (blazer optional), if there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s look scholarly. Now there’s finally a laptop case to fit your M.O. The BookBook ($80.00)by Twelve South is a hardback leather case designed exclusively for the MacBook Pro, that to the untrained eye, looks just like one of the vintage books lining the bountiful shelves of your study. Soft, velvety and padded on the inside, with two rigid, leather hardback covers on the outside, just grab your MacBook, slip it in, zip it up, and the BookBook will protect it like no other. Each BookBook is hand-crafted and distressed, so rest assured that each one is an original—just like you and your beautiful mind.
Fido has been man’s best friend for centuries, but that may not be the case for much longer, once he gets a load of these. Awkward Family Pet Photos($12.00) (from the authors of bestselling “Awkward Family Photos”) reveal what can only be described as mild, yet massively entertaining, animal abuse, involving family dogs, cats, monkeys, parakeets, pigs, and horses forced to star in painfully embarrassing, deliciously awkward family portraits. In other words, hardcore proof that dragging the rest of your family down with your lack of taste or dignity is just the Human way. And your dog thought the leash was degrading.
For years, you (and various lady visitors) have enjoyed the velvety voice of Mister Barry White, the ultimate aphrodisiac. But to fully enjoy the depth of his power, you’ve got to have the right equipment. Sound equipment, that is. The Bayan 7 Apple iPod x iPhone Speaker Dock($392) should do the trick. Never one to mess around with the bass, it comes equipped with a powerful 8″ bass in the center paired with 2″ mid-range drivers and 1″ wide projection tweeters. The Bayan 7 comes in your choice of either clear white or clear black. Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, indeed.
Your trusty butler Marvin is a real stand up guy. But lately, you’ve been noticing some of his shortcomings. He doesn’t play music. He doesn’t run by remote control. Nor does he have an internal digital clock. Before you sigh that it’s so hard to find good help these days, allow us to introduce you to your new employee–The Omnibot. The ‘bot does all of the above, in addition to carrying a tray in its claw, which can be loaded up with whatever it is your heart desires–Reese’s Pieces, a can of Tab, a fresh set of batteries to keep your new friend nice and perky. A built-in cassette player not only plays music, but can record and play back a sequence of commands, in addition to regular audio recording, and Omnibot’s remote control can broadcast speech from its handset through a speaker on the robot. As in, “Marvin, you’re fired.” The future of modern day help is finally here.
What do other cars dream about when they’re not dreaming about starring in an 80’s video with a writhing Tawny Kitaen? The USD Mercedes SLR Concept Car. The artists and engineers at Ugur Sahin Design (hence the “USD”), based this beautiful ride on the existing framework of the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, and endeavored to combine the extraordinary design of the original Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing with the modern technical aspects of the SLR McLaren Chassis structure. The result is this stunning specimen that’s so beautiful, we’re not even sure Tawny would get on the hood for fear of being upstaged. Oh, Tawny, you’re still hot in our books. But maybe just stand over there, though. Thanks.
If you’re like us, you’re always looking for new ways to antagonize the Decepticons. Fresh from the musical markets of the planet Cybertron comes the amazing Autobot Transformer Ukulele($550). It transforms you from a mild-mannered ukulele player to an awesome living tribute to the greatest shape-changing robots of all time. Rumor has it, Optimus Prime has three in his living room. Fret board, bridge and tailpiece are ipe (it’s a wood) and the neck and body are maple. Play this bad boy at your own risk of retribution from Megatron. Even though we’re pretty sure you could take him.
DJ Paulie D may have the reality show “cred” but he’s got nothing on your skills. Shouldn’t you have a DJ station as sick as your last set? The Hoerboard Scomber Mix($1800) is a 2-unit DJ booth designed to make all your turntables, CD-players and mixers fit perfectly into one incredibly sexy looking workstation. The top deck is made from CNC-designed MDF material and is fixed to a laser-cut powder-coated steel support, both available in several glossy or matte colors. All power cables are invisibly integrated into the body and all connections are placed underneath the desk, for easy connection to local audio systems. Let’s get this party started, minus the 43 gallons of hair gel and oompa loompa-like skin.
As your vast collection of colognes, body mists, and eau de toilettes illustrates quite nicely, you never know what you’ll be in the mood for on any given day. Turns out, same goes for movies. Luckily, The Twentieth Century Fox 75th Anniversary Gift Set($350) has you covered. Looking for a little snuggle time? Grab your favorite lady and throw in Alien or The Omen. She’ll cling to you for dear life. Need a good chuckle? You’ve got There’s Something About Mary,Raising Arizona, or Rocky Horror Picture Show. In the mood to triumph over evil yet again? How about The French Connection,Star Wars or The Devil Wears Prada? This 75-film, three-volume set is chock-full of Academy Award® winners and box office hits. Each volume covers 25 years of the studio’s excellence in movie making complete with a hard cover book filled with fascinating details about creating films with some of the greatest movie stars and directors of all time. Just fire up your EasyPop Plus Flavored Popcorn Maker and you’re good to go.
Hemp, or as we call it, (eh-hem) cannabis (eh-hem) sativa can be used to make damn near anything—clothing, mulch, jewelry, tea, paper, and of course, happy people. Now finally, it’s making beer. The geniuses and brewmasters at Nectar Ales and Humboldt Brewing Company have happily collaborated to create Hemp Ale. ($10.00) This one-of-a-kind brew is extremely bold and complex, with a unique herb-accented flavor, thanks to the inclusion of hemp seeds in the brewing process. Beer and cannabis sativa are together at last, in what college kids have known for years is the perfect marriage. Sadly, for now, this magical elixir is only available in California. But you’ve been meaning to get out there on business anyway, right?
Hardworking, sexy and friendly at the same time? Is this a parallel universe or did the makers of the 2012 Ducati Streetfighter 848 Motorcycle($12,995) make a ride based on you? This sexy set of wheels does it all without psychotic amounts of needless muscle. It’s as ready for the long road of earthly exploration as it is for the easy streets of daily living. The foundation of this new Streetfighter is the liquid-cooled 849.4cc L-Twin; 8 val. DOHC engine and the Ducati Traction Control system, offering eight levels of adjustment so it can handle anything. It comes with 69 lb-ft @ 9,500 rpm of torque and 132 hp @ 10,000 rpm—more than enough to get the job done. This is a feat of Italian engineering. Just like you, assuming your parents are Italian.
When adventuring across the globe (perhaps in your new Earth Roamer), it helps to know exactly what lies ahead. Enter the incredibly intelligent and award winning ESCORT Live . It’s like Facebook and Twitter for the road, where drivers share live alerts so everyone in the network can drive smarter and avoid the party-pooping fuzz. ESCORT Live uses Bluetooth technology and an app on the driver’s smart phone. When alerts are detected, they are transmitted to the ESCORT Live “cloud” and broadcasted across the ESCORT Live network to notify drivers of potential ticket threats. The system also provides ESCORT’s industry-leading Defender ® database of fixed position cameras and speed traps. A modern-day version of the CB radio speed trap alerts (and foul truck driver lingo) of yesteryear, ESCORT Live ensures that you’ll travel without protection again.
Once again, James Bond is sitting around wishing he were you. As is Edward Lewis (Richard Gere’s character from “Pretty Woman”—we’ll pretend you didn’t know that already). Pray tell, what do these manly specimens have in common? The Lotus Esprit. As part of Lotus’ unveiling at the Paris Motor Show, the automaker’s 2013 Lotus Esprit brings back what they have coined as the “ultimate supercar.” This baby features a mid-mounted 611bhp 5.0-litre V8, and a top speed of 330 km/h with an acceleration of 0-100 km/h 3.4 seconds. It also just happens to be jaw-droppingly beautiful. Set to go on sale in the Spring of 2013, the Esprit promises to be an incredible high-performance sports car. Celebrate with a vodka martini, (shaken not stirred) or by soliciting Julia Roberts for sex on Hollywood Boulevard. Your call.
As you proved by surviving that “misunderstanding” off the coast of The Cannibal Islands, you can pretty much handle anything that comes your way. Much like you, the Denon RCD-N7($600) is equally ready for anything. Want to play music from a CD? No problem. How about an iPhone, iPod, or computer? Cakewalk. Radio? Bring it. This slick little powerhouse is the ultimate personal desktop audio system. It even features global internet radio with more than 12,000 stations from Pandora as well as Denon’s vTuner service, Rhapsody and Napster. Don’t get up — with the Denon Remote App, you can control the system from an iPhone or iPod. It’s also got an RJ-45 LAN port for direct wired connection to your home network, plus a built-in Wi-Fi feature. Basically, if there’s a song that exists anywhere, in any form, anyhow, this thing can handle it. You can respect that.
Finally! After years of construction, your four-story Mexican hacienda in Isla Mujeres is move-in ready. Except now you have to actually decorate it. You’re pretty good to go with the “Maracas” bedroom on the third floor and the “Sombrero” bathroom just off the eastern veranda, but what to do with the “Day of the Dead” gameroom? Besides lining the walls with Kah Tequila bottles, how about picking up a few of these Mini Skull Speakers($2,161)? Beautifully crafted by illustrator/designers Kuntzel and Deygas, these skull-shaped speakers deliver a great sound, with a subwoofer at 50 watts. Use them with your iDevices, or with your computer. Then just put “La Isla Bonita” on loop and you’re good to go.
Your days of riding bikes with Winnie Cooper and Paul Pfeiffer are among the happiest childhood memories you have—oh wait, what’s that? That wasn’t you? It was Fred Savage? On a TV show? Interesting. Ok then, looks like you’re going to have to start creating some new childhood dreams, STAT. We nominate the Yamaha Y125 MOEGI as your dream bike. It’s got the elegant, sweeping frame of an old school cruiser, with the addition of an internal combustion engine lifted from a small-displacement motorcycle. The 125cc fuel-injected single cylinder engine could put out just enough power to putt you down to Winnie’s house. Oh wait, what’s this? It’s just a concept bike? Ok, then scratch that whole childhood dream thing. Kevin Arnold was kind of a dork anyway. Let’s go get a taco.
Despite the plethora of body heat you and Helga manage to generate, nights at the Finnish Ice Hotel can get nippy. If you had it your way, you’d never leave the warmth of your mink and chinchilla blankets, though that seems insanely impractical (how would you use your ice luge?). Instead, we’d like to suggest the next best thing—The Napsack. ($130) It’s pretty much a sleeping bag you can wear, with zippers at the shoulders you can open to stick your arms out, and a cinch at the bottom you can undo to pop your legs out. It even has pockets by your hips and in the chest, so there’s plenty of storage for the other kind of nips—i.e. the tiny bottles of Smirnoff the Helga swiped from the plane.
The modern man was born with certain evolutionary privileges. One is to be at the top of the food chain and enjoy the artistry of our friend, Peter Luger (thanks, Pete). Another is to be hairless, and shed the now unnecessary, non-removable full body sweaters of our caveman ancestors.
Its 3-D pivoting head was made to use all over your body, from your chest and abs to your back and shoulders, following your body’s contours for the ultimate in comfort. You can select from 5 length settings (up to 11/25 inch) to get the look you want, but for something like your shoulders, we’d say keep it straight Kojak.
When even The Diddy, mastermind of the infamous White Party, gives you props for being a fabulous host (your Chartreuse Party was off the hizzy), you know you’re doing alright. But as far as hosting duties go, you draw the line at parasites. The SteriPEN Freedom UV Water Purifier($129) uses UV light to clean your drinking water and ensure that you won’t have any uninvited intestinal guests. The ultraviolet energy emitted by the light is absorbed by the cells of the microbe, preventing cell enzymes from “reading” its DNA. Screwy DNA means the microbes can’t reproduce and make you sick. SteriPEN safely purifies 16oz. (0.5L) in just 48 seconds, and kills 99.9% of harmful microorganisms, like Flesh Eating Bacteria, Cholera (which is SO 1800’s), E. coli, the Giardia parasite, Hepatitis A, B, C, and D, and Salmonella, just to name a few. Sorry, fellas—you’re not on the list.