Just In Case
While your Ulysse Nardin Chairman Smartphone talks a big game, after the constant barrage of texts and phone calls from your doting fans, it might run out of juice. So when you find yourself in a pinch (gagged, tied, and thrown in the back of your trunk) it would be nice to have the SpareOne Emergency Mobile Phone ($60.00) stashed in there as well. Powered by a standard AA battery, the barebones cell phone provides up to 10 hours of talk time (that’s a long car ride) and keeps its charge for up to 15 years. Lucky for you, it also automatically transmits its location so you’ll be back to your entourage in no time.
Sit Back, Relax And Say, “Mwahahahaha!
Your mother always wanted you to be a successful doctor or lawyer, or at the very least, periodontist. But what about your dreams to be an evil genius? Surely, a Villain Chair ($8,900) as cushy as this will convince your mom you’ve made it to the bigtime. Twenty geometric rectangles covered in important-looking burgundy leather form a bucket seat that sits atop a retro-style chrome base that’s every bit as cold and steely as your plans for the puppy mill. Obviously, the base swivels for evil, dramatic effect. Look Ma, No Conscience!
Fixing The Snowball Fight
That snot-nosed neighbor kid may have started the snowball fight, but dammit, you’re gonna end it. Once you pick him out with your Sony Binoculars, load up the Wham-O Snowball Blaster ($17.00) and pick him off. This elastic launcher is a powerful slingshot capable of firing snowballs up to 80 feet away. Plus, its forming chamber lets you keep three perfectly formed snowballs as backup ammo. Extra points if you can hit him while going Mach speed on your Porsche Bobsleigh.
A Speaker You Can Get Up On
Next time you get the urge to pump Kool & The Gang’s “Get Down On It” (which we’re guessing will be sometime in the next 40 seconds), you can use a speaker you actually have to get up on—literally. The Bheringer iNuke Boom ($30,000) is a beast of a speaker that’s actually just a colossal iPhone dock. Nicely ask one of your friends to hoist you up onto the 8 x 4-foot speaker (or strategically position the trampoline beside it), pop in your phone, and prepare to be blown away by 10,000 watts of earsplitting power. Hope the whole town likes Kool & The Gang—it’s fixin’ to be a “Celebration.”
The Taste of Angina
What’s spreadable, vegetarian and tastes like a heart attack? If you guessed Baconnaise ($12.00), ding, ding, ding! You’re right! From J&D’s, whose company mantra is “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon,” comes the Ultimate Bacon-Flavored Spread, just waiting to grace your next sandwich, salad, dip, burger or fries with the glorious flavor of bacon. Pick up a 3-pack of this miraculously kosher (and afore-mentioned vegetarian!) condiment, and tell your Miracle Whip to hit the road. This is what God (and two guys named Justin and Dave) intended mayo to taste like.
While your peak Sk8er Boi days may be behind you, that doesn’t mean you can’t still sport these hot kicks (and take calls from Avril Lavigne). The Nike SB Zoom Stefan Janoski “Velcro”($75) sport the classic Janoski upper, plus a perforated toebox, Zoom Air cushioned-heel, and a vulcanized midsole for the rigidity a skateboarding shoe needs. And of course, let’s not forget the velcro. Two velcro straps replace traditional laces for a fresh new look and a much easier way to put your shoes on. After all, Avril always says, “Why you always gotta make things so complicated?”
Hey Sea Turtle! Say “Cheeeeeeese!”
Sometimes, your underwater stories are so fantastical, you have a hard time convincing people that they’re true (you, the manta rays, a jar of Skippy peanut butter—’nuff said). Well, now you can capture every second of your watery escapades with the Liquid Image Wide Angle HD Dive Mask ($311). It’s an integrated mask/camera that records HD 720P videos at 30fps, as well as 5 Megapixel still images. Plus, you can take it deep. How deep? Up to 40m or 130 feet, which covers depths reached by certified divers. Lever style buttons make it easy to operate, even while wearing diving gloves, and its super wide angle captures a larger field of view, ensuring that your subject will be captured in the shot. So grab your gear, some extra memory and a jar of Super Chunk—it’s time to make some underwater movie magic.
Calling Dick Tracy
“Calling Dick Tracy!” And in this case, you’re the Dick. Figuratively speaking, of course. The Philips Fluid Smartphone, simply at concept phase right now, is a flexible OLED screen smartphone that wraps around your wrist to double as a bracelet—just like our old friend Dick Tracey used to have. Enjoy the convenience of always having your phone with you on the go while simultaneously making a techy fashion statement. Designed by Dinard da Mata from Brazil, who may or may not read too many comic books. Nothing you can relate to, we’re sure.
A Book Book That Deserves A Second Look
Between the beard, pipe, and leather elbow patches (blazer optional), if there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s look scholarly. Now there’s finally a laptop case to fit your M.O. The BookBook ($80.00)by Twelve South is a hardback leather case designed exclusively for the MacBook Pro, that to the untrained eye, looks just like one of the vintage books lining the bountiful shelves of your study. Soft, velvety and padded on the inside, with two rigid, leather hardback covers on the outside, just grab your MacBook, slip it in, zip it up, and the BookBook will protect it like no other. Each BookBook is hand-crafted and distressed, so rest assured that each one is an original—just like you and your beautiful mind.
One Sexy Arctic Cat. Me-ow!
You came THIS close to qualifying for Snocross at last year’s Winter X Games, and dammit, if you hadn’t lost your Freaky Freezies just before your run, you would’ve nailed it. Oh well. The afterparty in the hot tub with those Snowbunnies full of Kraken Rum and Bison Grass Vodka did a lot to ease your spirits. But perhaps, for next year, you should upgrade your sled, to the Arctic Cat ProCross F1100 Trubo Sno Pro Limited. ($14,249) This pearl white gem has Arctic Race Suspension, an electric start, an RMC (Radial Master Cylinder) hydraulic Brake System, electronic push-button reverse and a 1100 Turbo 4-stroke engine. And lest we not forget the high/low hand warmers, heated seat and Turbocharger exhaust with a stainless steel muffler. Oh, and the Lubrication? You guessed it—dry sump. What all that tech talk translates to is you and Shaun White celebrating your victories at the next X Games. With the afore-mentioned hot tub bunnies, of course.
The “D’Oh!” In Fido
Fido has been man’s best friend for centuries, but that may not be the case for much longer, once he gets a load of these. Awkward Family Pet Photos ($12.00) (from the authors of bestselling “Awkward Family Photos”) reveal what can only be described as mild, yet massively entertaining, animal abuse, involving family dogs, cats, monkeys, parakeets, pigs, and horses forced to star in painfully embarrassing, deliciously awkward family portraits. In other words, hardcore proof that dragging the rest of your family down with your lack of taste or dignity is just the Human way. And your dog thought the leash was degrading.
Bass In Ya Face
For years, you (and various lady visitors) have enjoyed the velvety voice of Mister Barry White, the ultimate aphrodisiac. But to fully enjoy the depth of his power, you’ve got to have the right equipment. Sound equipment, that is. The Bayan 7 Apple iPod x iPhone Speaker Dock ($392) should do the trick. Never one to mess around with the bass, it comes equipped with a powerful 8″ bass in the center paired with 2″ mid-range drivers and 1″ wide projection tweeters. The Bayan 7 comes in your choice of either clear white or clear black. Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, indeed.
A Personal Servant That Runs On Batteries
Your trusty butler Marvin is a real stand up guy. But lately, you’ve been noticing some of his shortcomings. He doesn’t play music. He doesn’t run by remote control. Nor does he have an internal digital clock. Before you sigh that it’s so hard to find good help these days, allow us to introduce you to your new employee–The Omnibot. The ‘bot does all of the above, in addition to carrying a tray in its claw, which can be loaded up with whatever it is your heart desires–Reese’s Pieces, a can of Tab, a fresh set of batteries to keep your new friend nice and perky. A built-in cassette player not only plays music, but can record and play back a sequence of commands, in addition to regular audio recording, and Omnibot’s remote control can broadcast speech from its handset through a speaker on the robot. As in, “Marvin, you’re fired.” The future of modern day help is finally here.
Lord, Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz?
What do other cars dream about when they’re not dreaming about starring in an 80’s video with a writhing Tawny Kitaen? The USD Mercedes SLR Concept Car. The artists and engineers at Ugur Sahin Design (hence the “USD”), based this beautiful ride on the existing framework of the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, and endeavored to combine the extraordinary design of the original Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing with the modern technical aspects of the SLR McLaren Chassis structure. The result is this stunning specimen that’s so beautiful, we’re not even sure Tawny would get on the hood for fear of being upstaged. Oh, Tawny, you’re still hot in our books. But maybe just stand over there, though. Thanks.