Length Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
You have Russian Sports Illustrated cover model Irina coming over to practice her poses. You’ve got the Otto Wooden Fan on deck for drama. Now all you need is an extension cord to maximize your angles. Fluorescent orange doesn’t exactly set the right tone, so you’d better pull out the Best Made Cloth Extension Cord ($38.00). Available in black, gold, and red herringbone, the 8-foot round “pulley” style cotton cord can handle 600 volts and is classy enough for mixed company. The cords aren’t weatherproof though, so save the sexy water shots for another locale.
Anyone who’s anybody owns a private island, but it’s the real ballers that have a mobile one. And since you’ve never been a fan of being tied down, Project Utopia, designed by BMT Yachts, is ideal. Spanning the length of a cruise ship, the floating island features helipads, swimming pools and thrusters to power it along. It offers 11 private accommodation decks, a 360-degree observation area, and a lower deck large enough to house shops, bars and restaurants. Pretty much everything you and a small village would need to survive and thrive. But the biggest selling point is that you won’t have to stick around when the next big reality star starts buying up the surrounding archipelago.
Into The Wild
Stocking up on gear for your solo trek across Antarctica? Sorel Caribou Boots ($75 – $150) are a must have for sub-degree temps. Constructed with seam-sealed waterproof Nubuck leather and a vulcanized rubber shell with Sorel AeroTrac outsole to keep you stable, the men’s Caribou boot can withstand temperatures as low as -40 degrees. The Sherpa Pile Snow cuff keeps the powder out and you can remove the 9mm felt Innerboot if your little piggies get too toasty. Now that you’ve got those taken care of you can focus on writing your speech for the obligatory satellite phone interview you’ll give at the end of your journey. Remember, soul-searching epiphanies play well, so rehearse a few ahead of time.
Just in Case
While your Ulysse Nardin Chairman Smartphone talks a big game, after the constant barrage of texts and phone calls from your doting fans, it might run out of juice. So when you find yourself in a pinch (gagged, tied, and thrown in the back of your trunk) it would be nice to have the SpareOne Emergency Mobile Phone ($100) stashed in there as well. Powered by a standard AA battery, the barebones cell phone provides up to 10 hours of talk time (that’s a long car ride) and keeps its charge for up to 15 years. Lucky for you, it also automatically transmits its location so you’ll be back to your entourage in no time.
Sit Back, Relax and Say, “Mwahahahaha!”
Your mother always wanted you to be a successful doctor or lawyer, or at the very least, periodontist. But what about your dreams to be an evil genius? Surely, a Villain Chair ($7,335) as cushy as this will convince your mom you’ve made it to the bigtime. Twenty geometric rectangles covered in important-looking burgundy leather form a bucket seat that sits atop a retro-style chrome base that’s every bit as cold and steely as your plans for the puppy mill. Obviously, the base swivels for evil, dramatic effect. Look Ma, No Conscience!
Fixing The Snowball Fight
That snot-nosed neighbor kid may have started the snowball fight, but dammit, you’re gonna end it. Once you pick him out with your Sony Binoculars, load up the Wham-O Snowball Blaster ($26.00) and pick him off. This elastic launcher is a powerful slingshot capable of firing snowballs up to 80 feet away. Plus, its forming chamber lets you keep three perfectly formed snowballs as backup ammo. Extra points if you can hit him while going Mach speed on your Porsche Bobsleigh.
A Speaker You Can Get Up On
Next time you get the urge to pump Kool & The Gang’s “Get Down On It” (which we’re guessing will be sometime in the next 40 seconds), you can use a speaker you actually have to get up on—literally. The Bheringer iNuke Boom ($30,000) is a beast of a speaker that’s actually just a colossal iPhone dock. Nicely ask one of your friends to hoist you up onto the 8 x 4-foot speaker (or strategically position the trampoline beside it), pop in your phone, and prepare to be blown away by 10,000 watts of earsplitting power. Hope the whole town likes Kool & The Gang—it’s fixin’ to be a “Celebration.”
The Taste of Angina
What’s spreadable, vegetarian and tastes like a heart attack? If you guessed Baconnaise ($9.00), ding, ding, ding! You’re right! From J&D’s, whose company mantra is “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon,” comes the Ultimate Bacon-Flavored Spread, just waiting to grace your next sandwich, salad, dip, burger or fries with the glorious flavor of bacon. Pick up a 3-pack of this miraculously kosher (and afore-mentioned vegetarian!) condiment, and tell your Miracle Whip to hit the road. This is what God (and two guys named Justin and Dave) intended mayo to taste like.
While your peak Sk8er Boi days may be behind you, that doesn’t mean you can’t still sport these hot kicks (and take calls from Avril Lavigne). The Nike SB Zoom Stefan Janoski “Velcro”($75) sport the classic Janoski upper, plus a perforated toebox, Zoom Air cushioned-heel, and a vulcanized midsole for the rigidity a skateboarding shoe needs. And of course, let’s not forget the velcro. Two velcro straps replace traditional laces for a fresh new look and a much easier way to put your shoes on. After all, Avril always says, “Why you always gotta make things so complicated?”
Hey Sea Turtle! Say “Cheeeeeeese!”
Sometimes, your underwater stories are so fantastical, you have a hard time convincing people that they’re true (you, the manta rays, a jar of Skippy peanut butter—’nuff said). Well, now you can capture every second of your watery escapades with the Liquid Image Wide Angle HD Dive Mask ($276). It’s an integrated mask/camera that records HD 720P videos at 30fps, as well as 5 Megapixel still images. Plus, you can take it deep. How deep? Up to 40m or 130 feet, which covers depths reached by certified divers. Lever style buttons make it easy to operate, even while wearing diving gloves, and its super wide angle captures a larger field of view, ensuring that your subject will be captured in the shot. So grab your gear, some extra memory and a jar of Super Chunk—it’s time to make some underwater movie magic.
Calling Dick Tracy
“Calling Dick Tracy!” And in this case, you’re the Dick. Figuratively speaking, of course. The Philips Fluid Smartphone, simply at concept phase right now, is a flexible OLED screen smartphone that wraps around your wrist to double as a bracelet—just like our old friend Dick Tracey used to have. Enjoy the convenience of always having your phone with you on the go while simultaneously making a techy fashion statement. Designed by Dinard da Mata from Brazil, who may or may not read too many comic books. Nothing you can relate to, we’re sure.