Sit Back, Relax And Say, “Mwahahahaha!
Your mother always wanted you to be a successful doctor or lawyer, or at the very least, periodontist. But what about your dreams to be an evil genius? Surely, a Villain Chair ($8,900) as cushy as this will convince your mom you’ve made it to the bigtime. Twenty geometric rectangles covered in important-looking burgundy leather form a bucket seat that sits atop a retro-style chrome base that’s every bit as cold and steely as your plans for the puppy mill. Obviously, the base swivels for evil, dramatic effect. Look Ma, No Conscience!
Fixing The Snowball Fight
That snot-nosed neighbor kid may have started the snowball fight, but dammit, you’re gonna end it. Once you pick him out with your Sony Binoculars, load up the Wham-O Snowball Blaster ($17.00) and pick him off. This elastic launcher is a powerful slingshot capable of firing snowballs up to 80 feet away. Plus, its forming chamber lets you keep three perfectly formed snowballs as backup ammo. Extra points if you can hit him while going Mach speed on your Porsche Bobsleigh.
A Speaker You Can Get Up On
Next time you get the urge to pump Kool & The Gang’s “Get Down On It” (which we’re guessing will be sometime in the next 40 seconds), you can use a speaker you actually have to get up on—literally. The Bheringer iNuke Boom ($30,000) is a beast of a speaker that’s actually just a colossal iPhone dock. Nicely ask one of your friends to hoist you up onto the 8 x 4-foot speaker (or strategically position the trampoline beside it), pop in your phone, and prepare to be blown away by 10,000 watts of earsplitting power. Hope the whole town likes Kool & The Gang—it’s fixin’ to be a “Celebration.”
The Taste of Angina
What’s spreadable, vegetarian and tastes like a heart attack? If you guessed Baconnaise ($12.00), ding, ding, ding! You’re right! From J&D’s, whose company mantra is “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon,” comes the Ultimate Bacon-Flavored Spread, just waiting to grace your next sandwich, salad, dip, burger or fries with the glorious flavor of bacon. Pick up a 3-pack of this miraculously kosher (and afore-mentioned vegetarian!) condiment, and tell your Miracle Whip to hit the road. This is what God (and two guys named Justin and Dave) intended mayo to taste like.
While your peak Sk8er Boi days may be behind you, that doesn’t mean you can’t still sport these hot kicks (and take calls from Avril Lavigne). The Nike SB Zoom Stefan Janoski “Velcro”($75) sport the classic Janoski upper, plus a perforated toebox, Zoom Air cushioned-heel, and a vulcanized midsole for the rigidity a skateboarding shoe needs. And of course, let’s not forget the velcro. Two velcro straps replace traditional laces for a fresh new look and a much easier way to put your shoes on. After all, Avril always says, “Why you always gotta make things so complicated?”