Let the Cards Do All The Talking
When you host poker night with the likes of Jack Nicholson, Robert Downey Jr., and Lamar Odom (aka, Thursday night), it’s important that even your playing cards represent. Give the guys your best hand by adding a pack of visually stunning Bicycle Black Tiger Playing Cards ($12.00) to your “Off The Bench” game table. The reverse-imaged black deck even plays well under a black light, which could make for a fun party trick. But that’s as far as we advise you to go in terms of “magic.” Nobody wants to hang around with the guy who fancies himself a magician. (That means ditch the top hat too…sorry.)
Look Ma! No Poles!
You’ve been snow skiing since before you could walk. By grade school you were snowboarding half-pipes. It’s about time you challenged yourself with a unique winter sport. The Snow Cycle ($1,200) hails from the land of snow, ice, and Edelweiss and set the Guinness World Record for the longest vertical drop of 107,400′ in 11 hours. The Austrian cycle’s patented front elastomer/spring suspension helps initiate turns, while the padded saddle’s integrated leaf spring cushions the ride over bumps and moguls. The adjustable binding skis, worn with either ski or snowboarding boots, provide stability during glides and turns. It’s only a matter of time before you set a new record.
The Badass Hero
He’s a foul-mouthed, trash talking, chain smoking, gun-toting, ex-Marine, New York cop who’s not afraid to run through shards of glass to single-handedly take down a group of greasy German thieves and save a bunch of hostages, including his ex-wife Holly, while screaming “Yippee-ki-yay Mother F*ckers!” We’re pretty sure that’s actually the Webster’s definition of “hero” word for word. John McClane is indeed a modern-day cowboy, and nobody you want to f*ck with. In the original Die Hard, McClane kills Hans Gruber by defenestration, or throwing him out a window (which is definitely one of the coolest-sounding ways to kill a Faux Euro-terrorist). Die Hard 2 sees him regain control of the Washington Dulles International Airport, after mercenaries hijack airport communications and threaten to crash a bunch of planes (wife Holly also happens to be on one of those planes–is it us, or is that broad nothing but bad luck?). In the third and fourth movies, Die Hard With a Vengeance and Live Free or Die Hard McClane saves the day once again, with the help of Samuel L. Jackson and Justin Long, respectively. Most heroic action in his final flick? Shooting through his own shoulder to kill the bad guy. Yippee-ki-yay indeed, Mother F*ckers!
Yet Another Notch For Your Belt
A gentleman doesn’t smoosh and tell, but we all know that your hypothetical belt would be what could only be described as “hole-y” at this stage in the game. Pay homage to your exploits with the Leather Belt Flooring by TING. The luxury leather flooring, upcycles vintage leather belts to create a beautiful, glossy and hardwearing surface. The result is unique, strong; durable flooring that wears well, and cleans easily. Once the 12×12 leather tiles are installed, we’re guessing you’ll want to break them in by doing what you do best.
For Your Consideration
When the Academy sends you this year’s screeners for voting you’ll want the best viewing scenario possible. The Vizio XVT 3D CinemaWide Smart TV ($550-$2200)offers a movie theater-style 21:9 aspect display with 2560×1080 screen resolution so you can watch the films the way they were intended. Which we’re sure Spielberg and Scorsese would appreciate. Oh, and if you’re wondering (and we know you are), yes, “The Monster Squad” will look totally bitchin’ on a screen that big.
Rub It In
Now that you’re in a satisfying relationship you might want to replace that bottle of Jergens on your nightstand and start “moisturizing” a different body part. Apply Buckler’s Chapped Skin Remedy ($16.00) to hands, feet, and elbows to repair dry, chapped, and ashy skin. The heavy-duty formula provides deep hydration, using nutrients like Aloe juice, Shea Butter, Chamomile and Calendula extracts. So bust out the Sheex Performance Sheets, fire up that Blind Barber Tompkins Candle and get ready to get some serious props from your girlfriend when she finds out Buckler’s is certified vegan and paraben-free. Thus proving a correlation between hydrated skin and a healthy sex life once again.
If you’re in the market for an SUV to keep at your chalet in Aspen, we’ve found one that will do just nicely. The 2013 HPE800 Twin Turbo Jeep ($235,000) is a suped up Jeep Grand Cherokee with a 7.0 L Hemi and twin turbo forced induction system. The resulting 805 bhp and 823 lb-ft of torque is enough to propel the HPE800 from 0-60 mph in 3.1 seconds. While we’re not sure why those speeds would be necessary in snowy climates, it’s nice to know you could go that fast if you wanted. In addition to the ridiculously fast engine, Hennessey Performance upgraded the transmission, wheels, and carbon fiber front splitter. Not only will you be the first one to the mountain, you’ll look pretty hot getting there. Send your property manager out to buy one before the powder melts.
Thicker Than Water
Anyone with a brother can relate to sibling rivalry. Well, maybe except a winner like you. Always the top of your class, MVP of every sport you ever played, and a consummate ladies’ man, you wouldn’t know what envy or competitive jealousy felt like (though you could always just ask your brother). For a taste of Cain & Abel dynamics wrapped in an UFC cage, “Warrior”($16.00) is the film to watch. The melodrama was directed by Gavin O’Connor and stars best supporting actor Oscar nominee Nick Nolte. If you’re craving some off-screen drama yourself, we suggest you invite your bro over to watch it with you. We bet he’ll be the first one to cry “UNCLE!”
Last time you backpacked through the Amazon you subsisted on rain water and white grubs alone. Any shuteye you got was achieved by propping yourself precariously in trees. Make life easier on yourself next time you tour the jungle by packing the Eno ProNest Hammock ($54.00). The woven nylon is breathable and lightweight and the carabineers make it fast and easy to set up. It comes in a stuff sack the size of a grapefruit and can hold up to 400 pounds. Which means you won’t have to choose between the tribal princesses, just invite them both.
We know you built that cabin outside Sitka with nothing but an old axe and your bare hands, but if you want to keep your digits clean and intact next time you’re harvesting wood (canoe carving anyone?) the Wrox Jawsaw ($150) is where its at. Unlike conventional chainsaws, the JawSaw features an automatic chain oiler, and a fully enclosed saw. Steel teeth hold the limbs in place while cutting and the blade retracts when not in use, making it pretty much dummy proof. It’s never been easier or safer to hack down trees. So get to it. Tiiimmmmmbbbbberrrrrr!
The Way They Were
Before free agents, 100-million dollar contracts, and fake grass, men played for the love of the game and not much else. American sports photographer Neil Leifer was there to capture it all. “Guts and Glory: The Golden Age of American Football” ($31.00) features the finest from his archives. While you’re clearly not old enough to remember this period of history, the iconic photos transport you back to the golden age of pigskin days alongside contextual columns written around the same time. Put it on your coffee table and give props to the gridiron masters.