Firetext Smoke Alarm

Firetext Smoke Alarm

OMFG UR APT IZ ON F’ING FIRE!

Considering all the useless texts that habitually interrupt your daily dealings, it’s nice to know that now there’s actually an incredibly useful reason for texting. For example, when your home and all your earthly possessions within are about to burn to the ground. The Firetext Smoke Alarm ($140) can alert up to 4 recipients when it smells smoke, so even if you’re not at home, you can let the fire department know right quick to get those sirens blazing and whip out that hose. With photoelectric smoke detection, the Firetext Smoke Alarm is ideal at detecting even smoldering fires. It’s got a super loud siren, complies with all official standards, and works on a simple 9V Lithium battery. And of course, it’s got your number.

Alfred Hitchcock Collection

Alfred Hitchcock: The Masterpiece Collection

From The Master of…(wait for it)…Suspense

Even before that bloody, feathery fight to the death with that toucan in the Amazon, birds have always kind of freaked you out. And the genius of Alfred Hitchcock  ($62.00) is to blame. Fourteen of his masterpieces (and yes, they are indeed masterpieces) have been gussied up with new sound and color transfers, and packaged up quite nicely in a velvet-lined box, along with documentaries, commentaries, an entire disc full of bonus materials, plus a 36-page booklet filled with stills and the cool, original movie poster art. We’re talking classics like “Rear Window,” “The Man Who Knew Too Much,” “Psycho,” “Vertigo,” and yes, “The Birds.” So grab your favorite girl, turns the lights down low and let the show being. Just keep an eye on those pigeons.

Moshi Moshi Bluetooth Dock

Moshi Moshi Bluetooth Dock & Phone

A Flippin’ Cool Handset

Much like Napolean Dynamite’s older brother sang to LaFawnduh, you love technology. But, much like Uncle Rico, you also love a good bit of old school flare. The fine chaps at London’s Native Union have merged the two, with the slim new Moshi Moshi MM03i ($100).This sophisticated device features a Multi-Point Bluetooth-enabled handset that communicates with your iPhone, allowing you to take calls on the handset while your iPhone is docked and charging. It’s got 6 hours of talk time or 120 hours of standby, volume, call answer and end buttons, and will automatically answer a call if you pick it up off the dock. The MM03i can also communicate with your laptop, which is perfect for Skype calls to remind Kip to feed Tina her food.

McClure’s Spicy Bloody Mary Mix

McClure’s Spicy Bloody Mary Mix

Bloody Mary Needs A Kick In Her Pants

Too much Junior’s Moonshine last night? Overnight guest who won’t leave? On your way to church? You need a Bloody Mary, and it had better bloody well be bloody good. Strap on a steel-toed boot and kick that drink up a notch with some McClure’s Spicy Bloody Mary Mix ($8.00/each). McClure’s is known for their prowess in pickle-making, but this mix proves that it’s good to branch out. It all starts with their very own spicy pickle brine, which is added to tomato paste, fresh pressed cucumber juice and other fresh ingredients. As for the vodka, the folks at McClure’s recommend Valentine’s, but we say why not reach for the Deleon Tequila and whip up a Bloody Maria? Just don’t forget to bring extra for the church ladies.

The 60 Megapixel Camera

Estragon Alpa 12 TC: The 60 Megapixel Camera

Two Snaps Up

Since your photography skills range from artsy (aka nudes) to everyday (aka sometimes nudes), you need a camera that’s just as versatile. The ALPA 12 TC  ($40,000) gets two snaps up for versatility. Designed for ALPA Cameras by Swiss studio Estragon, it can function as either a digital camera that packs a whopping 60 Megapixels or uses 6×9 roll-film. Accessories like a rosewood or pear handle, a viewfinder, a flashlight or a small exposure meter can be added, but with a $40,000 price tag, perhaps you’ll want to start out with the factory edition. At least until the nudes start selling at Christie’s.